It was the first time I said it out loud to a colleague that I actually considering leaving my work. Something I’ve been thinking about since last year.
Before we get to the point, I need to tell you this first. I’m a Christian and being Christian is not a norm in this Buddist country. We only make up one percent of the entire population. I’ve been working in a Christian organization ever since I graduated from university, which means about 7 years now. Biblically, I should earn a sabbatical leave.
Currently there’s only 7 people in our office while we operate in a much larger scale. We need at least 5 more people. But again, because we require Christian staff, it’s not easy at all considering how few Christians are out there. So you can imagine how everyone of us is working like crazy; everyone multi-tasking to keep things going. I’ve mentioned last year, which was the worst I’ve ever had in terms of workload.
For 2012 alone, I did 4.6 months of overtime.
Definitely insane.
I don’t know about everybody else in the office, but I doubt anyone could beat that number. 11 days of Christmas and new year holiday was hardly satisfying. Since our financial condition is not exactly in good shape, I did not expect the office to pay me for overtime. And they did not. But I love what I do; I believe it is important. That’s why I chose to be here in the first place. Obviously not for the money. I know that if I leave, anything else I would do cannot be compared to serving the Lord.
But here comes the reason why I want to leave.
Remember my dissertation? I’ve been working on it for almost two years. Well not exactly, because I didn’t even glace at it during the 7 months I spent at the office. This dissertation is to be handed in on 29th March, or else I will not be qualified for my master degree. It means I have only one and a half month left. There are two chapters I haven’t written and another two need major revisions. And I don’t feel like doing it I kept procrastinating.
After full day of work, my mind goes blank. On weekends, I only want to stay in bed. And simply because I don’t want to do it, I finished six books since January – all of them are fiction, of course. I don’t care if I don’t graduate. But my parents do. And they pressure me into working on it. So I thought that things might be better if I take some time off work, maybe a whole month of March, and focus. I guess that after all those overtime it shouldn’t be a problem to leave. I sometimes did extra work to compensate a leave in the past. This time it would be like I worked in advance for it.
Last week when I first mentioned this to my superior, who is also the director of our organization, she said I could do that using my vacation days. Using all of them will allow me two weeks. And I said, jokingly, that I still want to take a vacation this year. I couldn’t remember her reply. But yesterday, on my birthday, we discussed the details of my leave and she insisted that I use my vacation days, one week first, and another if needed. In a way, it implies that after this I will not be able to take any more leave for holidays whatsoever.
By the way, she also changed my plan of work and rushed a deadline of a project due next year. She has very good reason from where she stands and I honestly understand it, but I still have no idea how it could possibly be done. So naturally, I see only long hours of work ahead of me. And it’s absolutely discouraging when I haven’t even felt properly rested from what happened last year.
She might be doing the right thing as a boss. I wouldn’t say it’s unjust, but I feel it’s unkind of her. Especially disappointing coming from a mature Chirstian that always had my respect. I feel that she only cares about work and not so much about the workers. I feel like I’ve turned into a slave to work. Certainly I don’t think that’s what God wants me to be. Being under pressure and tight schedule all the time is not healthy whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
If the situation has not changed in the next few weeks, I would clear all the projects I have, complete them the best I could, and leave. Whether or not I could finish my dissertation in time is another thing. Then I could take some rest, spend some time with my family, and do nothing for awhile. After saying this aloud, the idea became more real. And I feel relieved. I only need to make sure that I didn’t make the decision on a whim.
One thing I’m sure of is that God loves me no matter what my final decision is.
I don’t need to work for his love.
nacrelet 